Being a mom is the toughest job in the world. Our kids need the right books, toys, nutrition, discipline, schedules and answers to their 1 million questions a day.
Everything has to be done right. And it’s a lot of pressure.
But we can’t get it right all the time. We’re human. And when we don’t get it right, we can experience nasty waves of anxiety, fear, guilt, blame and shame.
And when we take to social media for a much needed escape, all we see is other moms with their perfect little lives and their happy, smiley, well-behaved children and think, “Wow, they really have it all.”
This can make us feel like we’re not doing enough. Like we could be doing so much better and that our children deserve so much more.
But it’s important to remember that doing too much for too long can have drastic effects on your well-being, like parental burnout.
This type of burnout is an exhaustion syndrome that occurs when you’ve been exposed to too much stress in your parenting role for too long, without the sufficient resources to compensate for the effect of stress.
The hourly night wake-ups, the tantrums, hearing “mommy” 10 times before you’ve had a chance to have a sip of coffee in the morning. It can all get a bit much if you allow it to spiral.
But can it be avoided?
It most certainly can. You can avoid parental burnout by remembering that you’re doing the best you can, and the number one cure and prevention is the implementation of self-care into your life.
“But I don’t have the time.” Make the time. Even if it’s 30 minutes a day. Yoga, reading, meditation, exercise, spending time with friends. Find time for the things that make YOU happy, because a happier you is a happier mother, which means a happier child and a happier life.
Guilt is a common feeling mothers experience. But self-care is not selfish. The more self-care you give yourself, the more content and grounded you’ll be, which will give you the power to be the best mom you can be.
Also, you cannot be the “perfect mother”. Adopt the idea that you are a “good enough mother”.
What’s that, you ask?
Well, the phrase was first derived in 1953 by Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, who observed thousands of babies and their mothers, and through doing this he noticed that children actually benefit when their mothers fail them in manageable ways (not major failures like abuse and neglect, but things like “saying no” and minor disappointments and mishaps).
The problem is, when our children are infants, we try to respond to them immediately and be as available as we possibly can, doing whatever it takes to make them happy and to help them feel better. This is important because it teaches our children that they are safe and cared for, right?
Well, the thing is, sustaining this level of attentiveness to our children at all times is, well, unsustainable. The best way to become a good mother is to be a “good enough mother”. Children need their mother (or primary caretaker) to fail them in tolerable ways from time to time so they can learn to live in an imperfect world.
Giving them what they want ALL the time will not prepare them for the harsh reality of what’s to come. Because as we all know, we will not grow up to get everything we ask for from the world, and failing them in small ways will get them accustomed to not always getting their way, and will help them to one day function in a society that will disappoint and frustrate them on a regular basis.
They need to understand that the world does not revolve around them, and that life can suck sometimes.
Because it can.
So when you say “no” to staying up late or “no” to hosting that sleepover, just remember that at the end of the guilt and temper tantrums will be an essential life lesson for your child.
Getting everything they want all the time will teach them nothing, but learning to deal with disappointment when things don’t go their way will prepare them for the big, scary world that they’ll inevitably have to face one day.
Just be a good enough mother. That’s all you need to do. Just do your best. You’re not perfect and you never will be. And how comforting is it to know that if you can’t meet your child’s needs 24/7, they will actually benefit from it?
Huh. Who would have thought?
So try not to get worked up by the little stuff. You’re doing an amazing job. Cherish every moment, because each day with your child is special.
Remember to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children, and remember that there is no such thing as the perfect mother. And if there was, it ironically wouldn’t be perfect, because your kids need to experience some failure and disappointment in their lives in order to grow into the best, strongest versions of themselves.
So, how can you be the best mom you can be?
Just keep doing what you’re doing.
Your best.
Sometimes that’s easier said than done. If you’re interested in working with a professional licensed Psychologist in California, schedule a consultation with Dr. Bernecker today
Article Sources:
https://www.psychedmommy.com/blog/good-enough-mother
https://www.firstfiveyears.org.au/lifestyle/coping-with-parental-burnout-and-stress
https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/good-enough-parenting/
https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/2018/3/14/the-gift-of-the-good-enough-mother
Winnicott, D. W. (1965) The maturational process and the facilitating environment: Studies in the theory of emotional development. New York: International University Press